Traffic School

A couple of weeks ago I was driving along minding my own business when this cop has the nerve to pull me over and give me a ticket. Okay, so I was speeding a little....barely....well, 42 in a 25. But it also happened to be in front of an elementary school so the officer thought it was important that I learn my lesson and give me a ticket. My saddest and biggest regret of the day was realizing about 5 minutes too late that I didn't get his picture for my blog. Oh man! A picture of us together... by the speed limit sign... him handing me my ticket... It could have been so great! But no, I had to be a lame brain and forget to snap a shot.

Luckily, here you have the option of going to traffic school. It cost about the same as a ticket but it doesn't go on your record and thus your car insurance can remain cheap. Well, cheaper than it would be with a ticket on your record.

So, Wednesday evening I had the amazing opportunity to go to traffic school. It was actually pretty fun, considering the alternatives I have for spending my time in the evenings. I agonized over the choices before me. Traffic school or refereeing my children's WWF smackdown contests? Traffic school or ironing Gary's umpteen-million shirts? Traffic school or doing the dishes from our Seven Course French Gourmet supper? Traffic school or having a ticket on my record and paying out the nose for insurance. Hmmmm... that's a tough one. I choose...

TRAFFIC SCHOOL!


I learned a lot of cool facts and met some very interesting people. Meet Sergeant Slaymaker. Dude, that seriously is his name! Perfect career choice hu?

This is the officer who taught the class. Bless his heart, this was a tough crowd. It was funny to see people arguing with him. And argue they did.

The biggest argument of the night seemed to be on the topic of traffic warnings. A majority of these people actually believed that traffic tickets should never be given, only a warning, to remind us to be safer drivers. What a novel idea! I think we should integrate this ideology into all our law enforcement:

"Mr. Anderson! Here you have killed yet another one of your wives. I'm going to let you off with a warning this time but I really don't want to see this kind of thing happen again".

One lady with huge hair and tight Wrangler jeans was very upset for getting caught in a pedestrian cross walk sting operation the police department set up on main street.

"I never seen no person crossing the street. I mean there was no person in sight! My mother is the worst backseat driver I know and she never seen no person. They say I was at fault but I never seen no person. They wouldn't even tell me where the person was because I never seen nobody!" (This is the shortened version. Just repeat it about 5 times and you get her side of the argument.)

Okay lady we got it. I think you should have a ticket on your grammar alone.

Then another guy who was missing most of his front teeth suddenly blurted out, "All I know is I was so grateful to the kind officer who gave me my ticket for only writin' me up for goin' 80 in a 60. I was actually goin' over 90 miles an hour. I was just racin' along and saw the cop on the side of the road. I just waved and pulled right over. That cop never even had to turn his lights on, I knew I was caught."

I'm thinking,"Dude! You're kidding right? Get tickets much?"

This same guy also volunteered the information that he has two DUI's and doesn't have to pay the extra insurance that officer Slaymaker says the state requires if you get a DUI. "Although, I do have to take a breathalyzer to even get my car to turn on." Man, he was a riot.

The presentation also included some graphic car wrecks from this area which were really cool. Cars torn in half and bursting into flames. Some of the slides were almost obscene and the stories certainly were graphic.

There was one lady who kept begging Sergeant Slaymaker to stop telling the stories because they were making her sick, but he just kept going. He said, "Hey! You think it makes you sick now? Wait till it's you lying on the road. Wait till this happens to you for real". She just kept putting her head down on the desk and moaning. "Ohhhhh, ohhhhh. I think I'm going to be sick. Ohhhh I feel like I'm going to pass out!" Dude. I just found the entire thing amusing. Surely I must be warped.

But here is my favorite slide. Yes, I took a picture just for you.

It's small but do you see it? GAS WAS $1.49 A GALLON!!! Ah, those were the days.

So if you ever get a ticket, first, don't forget to snap a picture of the officer and then I highly recommend attending traffic school. Sure, it's not for the faint of heart or weak stomach, but if you can handle it, it could really make your night! If nothing else at least it will boost your self esteem when you compare yourself to all the other losers there.